Objects in Mind
by Peter Gilles
Summary: River PoV. What if there was more than we thought to what happened during Objects in Space?
1. Chapter 1

I loved the whole series of Firefly, but I found the last episode to be the most fascinating by far. I was also left wondering why there was such a strong similarity between the protagonist and antagonist of the episode - so I wrote this to see if I was the only person to come to the conclusion I did. Don't worry, I won't give it away yet - there're a few more chapters to come.

The whole story is set during Objects in Space. To my eternal chagrin, I don't own Firefly and I don't make any money out of this. Nevertheless; you can't stop the signal!

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Whispering, whispering voices in my head, in my sleep. Whispering voices, memories, thoughts? Mine or theirs? Whisper! Whisper! Whisper! We're all just floating. Whose are they? Wake up!

Simon and Kaylee are together and happy in memories. I think they want to have sex, but my brother isn't very smart. I step closer to share in the happiness, in the past and present of smiles and laughter. But I step too close: he would still be there right now, if it weren't for me. He resents leaving his life, his hospital – he resents me taking them away from him, so I turn and leave. I'll leave them alone.

Chesty-man and the scary-hair-shepherd are talking. Sex and religion are bad for the dinner table. They don't say what they think but stay safe in lies. I step closer but don't mean to. I hear below the lies, and hear the truth lurking beneath. Chesty-man is scared. He is penitent. He heard the screaming truth as well. Won't forget. Will tell himself that he's stupid; just like he's always been told by everyone. The preacher, though… The lion tries to be a lamb, but still hungers. Harsh and ugly, seething under the surface. He doesn't care about our souls, just wanting to save his own. The pileous man is unrepentant. Where does that put me? Away, must go away.

The eyes, the mind of Serenity – the cockpit, the bridge, the control centre, the driver's seat. The driver's seat swivels but won't recline – not even for her, although he pretends he does. The lovers are together there, entwined in bodies and heart. Memories too: a hot honeymoon beach, ocean rushing and roaring around them like their passion. Pre-coital stimulation of primary and secondary erogenous areas. I gasp and touch, sharing in the sensation. Touch more? Closer, closer! No! I must leave them – stay safe, stay in control.

The dancers don't know the steps; if they're not standing on each other's toes, they drift away. Just all floating alone. Words, words, words – drowning in the words that should let them swim. So close… so close, their bodies want to but won't; their minds reaching out, but too afraid. Want to be told, like a big girl, but appreciates nothing being said. Too many words and not enough… none of it means a damned thing. Can't swim, must run! I'll be drowned – too much – run!

CRACK!

Stop.

I peer down and inspect the stick. I'm in the Captain's forest-without-a-path. He likes it that way, we all get lost together without a path. I suspect it's a metaphor, but when did it start? How much of my life was a dream? Am I? Just an object… doesn't mean what you think…

The nightmare is back - safe faces, but all shouting, shouting, shouting! Kaylee? Wake me up again! Don't be afraid; I'm too scared for you to be afraid. Look down, I have a gun. The nightmare doesn't stop because I don't know when it began. It was in my hand. Recipe for unpleasantness. Wake me up, Kaylee. You understand my fear of the past, of the blue. Kaylee is afraid of the gun, but afraid of me more. She understands… She doesn't comprehend. No touching! The dancers won't touch and I cannot stop. I cannot be helped. Touching is bad. Captain – Roman, Latin, Mal… bad. I cannot stop. I cannot… I can't stop thinking! It's getting very, very crowded!

Run before I cry: ashamed. I am bad. Just an object… not a person. I can't do these things and still be a person. I never mean what you think. An object occupying space within my mind. I am both within and without the dream. I can see theirs and hear them; I can make a dream walk and talk and provide an antithetical anthropomorphism. Take the nightmares and put them outside me. He is not serene. He is not inside. We are not alone, and he is early.


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own Firefly and I don't make any profit from this stuff. There - official stuff over with. Also, I suppose I'd better warn you that the following isn't exactly fluffy stuff and is probably a little bit contraversial.

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Descending. From ship and mind and from more choices to more voices. He descends upon Serenity and looks down on it. Into it. Listening with mind and ears, within and without, to all their fears and words. She does have an oddness to her. Little words that run into one another – oddness, couldn't, shouldn't, reader, psychic, witch. **All too easy.**

They're so quick to betray, so quick to fear the witch. How long before fear turns to hatred? Burn the witch, you big damn heroes. He is the Devil: he is my father and my leman as much as he is me, as all witches are born from congress with the Beast: born out of fear, of hatred and betrayal. Not a person… but an object of fear.

A psychic or an assassin? Which is worse… or do they care? They walk from that table like they walk away from choosing; like they walk away from me. And I can do the same. They can sleep, but I can hide. Hide inside, outside, inside, outside. Hide and seek, strong and weak. I shall hide and he shall **seek**.

He is the devil in my mind and their minds and what they all fear. **An assassin of black and blood **and not me, not me, not me! Enter the ship and he enters the mind, taking the heart of Serenity and violating it. He is within me too, even as he is without. Slips in while they sleep, he rapes the ship. He will take it all and make them fear that theft and he will take me too. I am afraid.

I can only watch now. **My gun and plan in hand, I can enjoy this. Malcolm Reynolds is a surprise – he should be tucked away in his room, masturbating to the thought of the Companion. His indecision, his hesitation, his fear; they're all the same and I exploit them all. **Mal won't run from choices, he will fight them. But still he makes no choice. **He is no match for me.**

Locking them in their rooms as much as they are locked inside their minds and I am locked outside. He has taken control. **And they will know fear by my touch and my voice.**

**Little Kaylee shall be the first. She fears even my passage toward her. I control her fear and revel in it. Heighten the tension; smile. I could stay here for a long time and enjoy myself. I like this ship. 'Serenity'. She's good looking. And I look at Little Kaylee. She knows what a nightmare like me is alluding to. She struggles with questions that she knows the answers to. I am her nightmares: strains the mind a bit, don't it? Knowing that her fears are now outside her head, but inside her ship. Thinking she were all alone with her fear, but now I'm here.**

**Maybe I came down the chimney, Kaylee? Bring presents to the good girls and boys. Or black coal to the bad. Maybe not, though. Maybe I bring presence instead?**

**Maybe I've always been here? Inside…**

**What do I want? Well, a lingering gaze sure will get that terror pumping through her veins. That's a beating heart, isn't it? Pumping fear through the body over and over again until it can no more. So fragile; so easily broken. Pull off any one of a thousand parts, she'll just die. Such a slender thread. **Betrayal. The ones you love, hurt you the most. **And I hurt the ones you love the most. Fitting, ain't it?**

**You ever been raped? **She understands, she doesn't comprehend. **The Captain's locked away in his quarters – they all are. Locked away in their minds and from choosing. Little Kaylee is different, is special. Her choice shall be stolen by fear. There's nobody can help you.**

**Say it.**

**Tears. Shame. Fear… Good.**

**Bind her in that fear. Tell what I will do and ask her what happens next. Pull each cord so tight that she can't even think for the fear… tighter and tighter. Then you know what I'll do now? Give you a present. Get rid of a problem you've got… and I won't touch you in any wrong fashion, nor hurt you at all.** **I'm going to take away your burden of choice. All this I'll give, if you kneel down and surrender your will…**

**Unless you make some kind of ruckus. You throw a monkey wrench into my dealings in any way… your body is forfeit. **Your body is forfeit. **Ain't nothing but a body to me.** **And I can find all manner of unseemly abuse for it. **I know.

**Do you understand? **Cry, whimper, comply: it's all the same to him.

**Do you understand? Turn** **around and put your hands behind your back.**

**Do you understand? **She understands, she doesn't comprehend.

**Now tell me, Kaylee… tell me that you've surrendered... Where does River sleep?**


End file.
